What to do if you promised. Why men make empty promises and how to deal with it. Why do men promise but don't deliver?

Let's figure out why people promise and don't deliver, don't keep their promises. Why did a person promise but not do it? Why don't I keep my promises?

Promises are not for everyone

Perhaps you believe that there is an unspoken agreement between all people:

“If I say that I take on obligations, then I really take them on myself and I am going to fulfill them.”

When such an agreement is not kept, you wonder: “Why did this person not keep his promise? After all, he said what he was going to do, so he had to.”

Here is the answer to your question: this person did not think that he should have done it when he spoke about it (“made a promise”). He said this just like that or for the purpose of getting something.

Sincere misunderstanding of promises

A person may sincerely not understand why, if he said, “If you give me A, then I will do B,” then he suddenly has to do it.

You ask: “If you weren’t going to do it, why did you promise?”, and he will answer with bewilderment: “Well, if I hadn’t promised, they wouldn’t have given me what they agreed on.” For him, there is simply no connection between promises and obligations, so when you refer him to your own words in the past, it is perceived as trying to catch him on an extraneous trick. You think that you are trying to fulfill a promise that was clearly made in the past, but he sincerely believes that he is being manipulated, “caught by the tongue.”

"I'm tired of it"

A slightly different option is when a person is to some extent aware that “promises must be kept” (that is, his ideas about this more or less coincide with yours), but if a simple circumstance arises called "lost the desire" then he will easily refuse to fulfill this promise. “Keeping your word” is not an ironclad principle for him. This is how the chaotic nature of man manifests itself. For him, “no longer wanted” is a circumstance of force majeure, force majeure. The result is usually the same as that of those who do not at all believe that a promise should be followed by its fulfillment.

What to do?

You need to understand that the people described exist, and they differ from you in their attitude towards promises - it is “hardwired” in your head that promises need to be kept, but they do not. Therefore, do not rely on the word they give - nothing good will come of it, but try to achieve what you need in other ways (for example, through prepayment and similar things) or avoid interacting with this person altogether.

What if I don't keep my promises?

At least now you understand why this happens. Be prepared for the corresponding consequences - for example, that they will avoid you, realizing that they cannot rely on you, or set more stringent conditions for you in various life situations.

I admit, after the divorce I felt extremely insecure. It is not surprising that soon the most unsuitable person for me was nearby. I made a list of traits of people I didn't want to date again. Here are 5 types of men to avoid.

1. The Heartbroken Hero

A person whose relationship has recently ended has not had time to heal his wounds. He will do this with your help; getting close to him threatens to become an eternal vest. Most likely, he has low self-esteem - your task will be to raise it. But not only a romantic interest can break the heart of such a man. These may also be life circumstances that he cannot cope with. In every new relationship, he again runs away from their decision.

Comment by Maria Lekareva:
In this case, it is more important how the man reacts to the breakup previous relationships or life situation. If a person tries to understand and admits his contribution to failure, he has a chance to change, the relationship with him may have a future. If he blames others or circumstances for his problems, he will most likely treat the new woman irresponsibly and consumeristly.

2. Master of compliments

It's nice when a man knows how to give compliments. But there is reason to be wary if he does not know the limits. Often this indicates a desire to quickly move on to a more intimate acquaintance. Sometimes the false theatricality hides self-doubt. He is not ready for a relationship and is training you in your communication skills with women.

Comment by Maria Lekareva:
It is necessary to take into account the environment in which a person grew up. In southern countries this is often just the norm for courtly play and is not taken too seriously by either side. But if the compliments do not look like impromptu, most likely the man is really hiding behind the phrases he is repeating; it is difficult for him to be himself. In this case, it is not so easy to find out what it really is.

3. People who like to keep their distance

Unlike a man with a broken heart who is ready to live with every woman new story, this hero will never allow himself warmth and emotional intimacy. If you once ask why he didn’t have a relationship with anyone, he will answer that he was not lucky enough to meet his soul mate. Don't believe it.

In the presence of others, he often avoids displays of affection and tries not to show that you are together. Here he is honest with you - he does not intend to get close to you. Leave him to deal with the baggage of his past, which for some reason hinders human rapprochement.

Comment by Maria Lekareva:
We are often talking about intimophobia - a painful condition in which a person avoids loved ones, trust relationships. The prospects for creating a full-fledged long-term union with him are slim, unless the woman prefers a guest marriage. That is, she herself maintains distance in relationships.

4. King of Tragedy

Blows of fate happen in everyone's life. However, there are collectors of unresolved problems that such people acquire throughout their lives. If you immediately find out that ex-wife he didn't find common language in relation to children or property, at work in the center of endless conflicts - most likely, you are offered a chair on a volcano. Not the most enviable position.

Comment by Maria Lekareva:
If a man only complains, and his problems are reproduced on every new job or with each new woman, the prospects for relations seem depressing. But it is important to evaluate not the number of problems, but how to solve them. If a man is not inactive and his actions do not contradict your values, this relationship may have a future.

5. Eternal child

He is not able to make a decision on his own and take action. He often finds himself without a job and can only succeed if you take his life under constant control. There are men who never cut the umbilical cord with their mother. They will give her role to any woman who is ready to take care of them. Are you ready for this adoption?

Comment by Maria Lekareva:
It is worth honestly assessing your strengths and preferences. There are women who are closer to matriarchal relationships; they do not get along with dominant men. If you are ready to play first fiddle in the family, perhaps this type will suit you, provided that your mother has already let him go.

“The main thing is not to throw the baby out with the bathwater.”

"With these types of people, if they psychological characteristics expressed clearly, it can be difficult to build relationships, admits Jungian analyst Lev Khegai. – But the main thing is not to draw hasty conclusions and not to confuse these manifestations with the stages of intimacy through which any union passes.

If adults are looking for new relationships, it means they have had unsuccessful ones. Therefore, we will be greeted by a “hero with a broken heart.” After a recent failure, he will feel insecure and try to look like a master of compliments. He, of course, will at first avoid intimacy and openness and keep his distance. If we manage to get him to talk, we will recognize him as the “king of tragedy.” Each of us has a lot of past traumas in our souls. The ability to talk about them is an indicator of trust. If, having trusted, the partner relaxes and gives free rein to his feelings, you may feel that he is a “baby” who wants to find his mommy. All this can coexist in one person. You should trust yourself and be ready to go through these stages together. This is the only way you can assess the degree of maturity of your partner.”

I had a friend. One day he says to me: “Lend me some money. Seven thousand rubles."

This happened at the beginning of the 2000s, the amount was considerable at that time. Or does it just seem that way to me now? Doesn't matter. The main thing is that he took the money and disappeared. Despite the fact that before that we communicated almost every day, on the whole we got along, and in general, nothing foreshadowed. However, he disappeared. Not immediately, but, as is expected in such cases, gradually.

The scenario was standard: at first - assurances that he would give it back soon, then he stopped picking up the phone when I called him. He called back less and less, began to ignore my text messages, and slowly but surely disappeared from the horizon.

The nuance is that, despite all our close communication, I did not know where he worked (they were talking about something else), and keeping watch over him at his house on the other side of the city was difficult and somehow stupid. We also didn’t have any mutual acquaintances. In short, everything is one to one. And now six months pass, I’m already beginning to forget (not giving up, however, the dream of breaking his arms and legs) when Seryozha called. He asks for forgiveness without explaining - we must give him his due - the reasons, since any explanation in such a situation would be a meaningless lie, even if it turned out to be true. He assures that he will return the money - with excusable interest on top of what was taken. You'll be home on Thursday after eight, I'll come over? Yes, I will, I answer. Great, he says. Sorry again.

Eight months later. I cross the road, and the first one in the far right lane in front of the traffic light is his car. I unfold the Vedomosti, put it on the hood and sit on top. “Give me my money, I’m waiting,” I say. He gets out, takes out his wallet, digs around, and pulls out half the amount. No, they say, I’m sorry, and that’s what it is. When I ask about the rest, I understand that it is useless: everything will be as it already was. I’ll give it back by the end of the week, he says. And got back into the car.

What could I do? Punch him in the face? That would be nice. I tried. However, when I grabbed the door, it turned out that it was locked. I had to kick this very door, leaving a decent dent. These are your excused percentages, I say. Without opening the window, he read my lips and drove off.

There is only one thing surprising in this story - Sergei turned out to be not who I thought he was. Everything else is generally clear. It is interesting, however, that the question is - why show up six months later, if it is already clear that there will be no money? - arose only among the women to whom I told this story. Moreover, they reacted very emotionally, and Sergei, as a rule, aroused in them terrible, burning hatred. Okay, he took it and didn’t return it, but why call and promise if you’ll deceive anyway, they said, turning not so much to me as to their own, as I understand it, heartfelt experience. Simply put, they projected classic money deception onto male deception in general.

What could I say to them in response? That their question is rhetorical and eternal? That making promises is more dangerous than not wanting to make them? That promises are a credit of trust, which, although taken on favorable terms - without interest - still remains a loan. And this, as you know, is a scheme in which the one who took it will always be glad not to return what he took. And the creditor will inevitably begin to cause irritation.

Here you also need to keep in mind the difference between the promises that men make to each other and the promises to women. In the first case, failure to fulfill what was promised is simply a fact in itself, in the second there is a fact and a bunch of aggravating circumstances: where he promised, how he looked, how many days (exact number) he did not call, what he was wearing (“that stupid green hat of his... That’s how I felt, you can’t trust a man wearing such a hat!”).

“Women talk to each other the same way men talk to men. But women always pay attention to details" - Amy Winehouse I was right three hundred times.

A woman wants to take a man’s word, she often insists and at the same time always admits that she is being deceived. Such, you know, the feverish trembling of a card player who has put everything on the line and is watching the hand. “Fulfill what you promise” is one of the fetishes of the weaker sex in relation to the stronger sex, an important item in the list of traits of the ideal Him, well, you know, “ a real man always keeps his word."

It is, in general, correct and understandable: the one who can be responsible for his words is cool and has a broad back (which, of course, any woman really wants to hide behind, even if she goes for a technical inspection herself and has mastered the iPad without outside help). At the same time, the inability to keep promises is almost the main complaint against men. Type the keywords “man” and “promises” into Google - the three most popular options will automatically appear in the window: “a man does not keep promises”, “a man does not keep promises” and - only the third number - “a man keeps promises”. Moreover, if you try this most optimistic option, you will see links to texts with the headings “Why men don’t keep their promises,” “Empty and false promises of men about love to their supposedly loved ones...” and “How to make a man keep his promises.” Hmmm, here it is, reputation.

Not for the purpose of self-defense, but I will note: most often a man promises something that he will not fulfill for two reasons: in an effort to wishful thinking (to show himself better than he really is, to gain the notorious credit of trust) or hoping to get away from the conflict, hoping to put out the fire with the magic words “I promise.” Although no, I’m lying, there is a third reason, and it is very important. This is pressure from a woman. It sounds pathetic, and yet let’s admit, girls, that you often put pressure on us, creating a situation in which it is almost impossible not to promise. Although no one argues, a man has his own head on his shoulders, and if he blurted out something without thinking, on the spur of the moment, this hardly justifies him.

I’m not saying that every empty promise we make is the woman’s fault, and, of course, the man who pulled the wool over the lady’s ears takes full responsibility for what was said. However, female blackmail, often perhaps unintentionally, is a common thing. Tears, pouting lips. Offended tone. Denial of sex. Anything goes. Am I wrong?

While you are throwing stones at me, I will tell you a story. Unfortunately, every woman has enough examples of classic male deception in her memory stash, so I won’t add fuel to the fire. My story has a happy ending, which, however, no one expected.

A friend of mine dated a girl for several years. Oddly enough, the girl didn’t really dream of marriage, but she wanted a child. And slowly but surely it led to this. The friend kicked back. It’s not that he didn’t want to, it’s not that he didn’t love his girlfriend - well, he was just afraid of the unknown, which is why he hesitated. But the screws were tightened, and at some point there was nowhere to retreat.

One fine winter night - again under the influence of the moment - my friend promised that he would give his beloved everything she wanted for her birthday. A friend wanted a child. Okay, said the friend and began to count how long he had left to live. The birthday was scheduled for December 15th. There were two weeks left. Of course he deceived her.

Conception did not happen. What he said there, what reasons he made up, it doesn’t matter now. The main thing is that the project did not take place. There was a hell of a scandal, my friend packed her things and left. On New Year's Eve they met in the apartment of mutual friends, and the friends specially arranged everything - they invited both. Friends, on the one hand, behaved incorrectly and interfered in someone else’s personal life, but, on the other hand, they did everything right. In short, the couple met, had a fight again, and made up closer to the morning. They did conceive a child - however, almost a year later, in November, and this is the very case when it’s better late. Why is it better late?

Because New Year was 1998. There was a default in August. Both lost their jobs. By November, things had more or less improved - it wasn’t that the work had turned out to be decent, but it had turned out in principle, which was already cool in that situation. Then everything began to improve and by the summer it was almost back to its original position. Their son was born in July 1999. And if they had conceived on December 15, 1997, it would have been possible to be born, it’s clear when, do the math for yourself. By not keeping his word, my friend got into big problems, but avoided even bigger ones: giving birth to a child in the midst of a crisis is, you know, not a fountain.

Of course, this is just an accident, an exception to the rule, which does not at all justify failure to comply of this word, but the winners are not judged, right?

Barbra Streisand once said, “I could make a whole book out of the promises men made to me in bed.” Remember these golden words, and your life will be much easier.

And finally. If a man promises and NEVER keeps his word, this is a diagnosis. Draw conclusions as quickly as possible. If mistakes happen... well, they just happen, then you need to be careful in your judgments. And consider each mistake separately.

Yes, and I have a request to you - don’t push. Otherwise, we know these twists of female logic.

She: I want this and that.

He: I can't. (Tears, lips, refusal of sex.)

He: OK then.

She: Do you promise?

He:(with a sigh) Yes.

He did not keep his promise.

She: You deceived me! Why?

He: Because you put pressure on me!

She: SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO GIVE IN! I WOULD STAND ON MY OWN! OR ARE YOU NOT A MAN?

After all, women are fantastic creatures. Thank you for being here.

PS. The friend we were talking about at the beginning, the one who cheated me out of money, many years later was left without a business. He lent everything he had, hoping to receive a substantial commission. And he didn’t receive anything - neither the commission nor what he gave. I have nothing to do with it. But when I found out, as you understand, I didn’t cry. Still, credit of trust, hmm, is a delicate thing.

The eternal question of women who seek advice from a psychologist, astrologer, or fortune teller is how will their relationship with this man develop? With which, as a rule, there are so many problems that it is already difficult to cope without a specialist. As a rule, people seek help when the case is already advanced. Because it's too late, I'm in trouble. It is much easier to recognize a potential problem in advance. And if this has already happened, you need to reconsider your attitude towards the situation, towards yourself and towards the tormenting man as soon as possible. And then the external situation will change - either the man causing suffering will disappear on his own, or he will change (but this happens extremely rarely, unfortunately, rather as an exception to the rule). And this will open the way to a bright streak in a woman’s life, to a new relationship, this time harmonious.

First of all, I would like to note that every woman needs to treat herself with love and respect. Without self-love, it is almost impossible to build harmonious relationships. Because those around us treat us the way we treat ourselves and, therefore, how we allow ourselves to be treated. Moreover, what kind of people are attracted to us depends on our inner attitude. Secondly, the important thing is that the point here is not so much in the man, but in the woman herself. Namely, what kind of men she chooses. There are a number of types of men who are not capable of long-term and harmonious relationships (there are also women, but in this article we will talk about men). And until a woman realizes where she is making a mistake and does not internally reconsider her attitude towards herself and towards similar men, she will step on the same rake again and again (as a rule, each subsequent case is worse than the previous one). Often unsuitable men are attracted to women who can be called idealists, maximalists, overly romantic people who dream of ideal, passionate, all-consuming love. As a rule, this is a consequence of a lack of love on the part of the father. Having matured, such a girl subconsciously strives to arouse love for herself in precisely those men who cannot give it to her. And the pattern repeats itself over and over again. Less often, the opposite situation occurs - excessive idealization of the father, great love on his part.

Types of men with whom it is dangerous to have a relationship.

1. Married man.

He swears his love to you, and in moments of intimacy he is caring and gentle. But when communicating with you, he always looks at his watch, hides you from everyone, cannot meet with you on weekends and holidays, while saying that he loves only you. However, in reality there are not two of you, but three of you. At the same time, he will have a lot of explanations for why he cannot leave his wife, despite the fact that he loves only you, but does not love her and she does not understand him. Or, he will always promise you that the time will soon come and he will divorce and marry you. But all this will happen... in the future. These are just words. Not actions. Although there are exceptions.

2. Unavailable man.

This type of man behaves with you exactly the same as a married man. But at the same time she is not married. He looks like a great man who makes you feel good when you're having fun together. But when you need help... he's not there, he's out of reach. He always has things to do that are more important than you. At the same time, he, too, like a married man, does not introduce you to his friends, does not tell his parents about you (let alone introduce you to them). When he needs you, he is your covenant, and you are nearby. But he doesn't even entertain the thought of being there for you when you need him. He doesn't think about it. He is already comfortable and good. And if you get tired of it and leave him, it will be... good for him too. Although perhaps not immediately. Because it won't be comfortable for a while. After all, you won’t be there when he wants it, as always, for a few...hours or minutes.

3. Bad boy.

He is a funny guy, a charmer and a joker. He is charming, sweet and irresistible. When you are together, he puts you on a pedestal, makes vows, jokes. It's never boring with him. But... out of the blue, he suddenly doesn’t get in touch with you, despite his promises. And he can disappear for weeks, not caring at all about your worries. Then, just as suddenly, he appears and, with constant charm, looking lovingly into your eyes, asks for forgiveness. So what if you found evidence of his betrayal in the form of lipstick on his shirt? After all, he is so charming and so faithfully promises that this will never happen again. And you forgive because you want to believe in a fairy tale. After all, this charmer is so sweet and speaks so skillfully about his love for you. But...he's as irresponsible as he is charming.

4. Sexually preoccupied.

All his thoughts are about the same thing. All he needs from you is the satisfaction of his sexual needs. Sex replaces all the delights of a relationship between a man and a woman. He is not interested in heart-to-heart conversations, he does not know how to express his feelings to you, he craves only one thing. And he knows how to solve all problems in relationships only with sex. But... at any moment when you are not around, or when for some reason you cannot satisfy his sudden need, he can do it somewhere else. After all, sex is all he needs from a woman.

5. Unreliable, irresponsible man.

This man calls himself self-sufficient and independent. He doesn't need your presence at all. Or rather, he only wants to be with you sometimes. And not every day. After all, he is self-sufficient, and he feels good. You console yourself with the thought that you have him, because he is dating you. And that he will lend his strong masculine shoulder in a difficult situation. But... this is an illusion. Because he doesn't need it. And it may very well be that at some point his self-sufficiency in his relationship with you will reach such limits that he will no longer need to spend his time on you, at least occasionally. After all, the main thing for him is his freedom and independence.

6. Poor thing.

Such a man will shower you with his attention in abundance, shower you with ardent declarations of love, fulfill your every whim without hesitation, is ready to literally do anything for you and cannot live without you. And soon you won’t be able to be alone for a minute. Because he will be with you all the time. He wants to merge with you, to always be one, and... will demand the same constant attention from you. You will have to give all your time only to him. So, in the end, you ask yourself the question - does he really love you, or is it some kind of painful addiction?

7. Engineer of human souls.

This is a soulful storyteller, an excellent expert female psychology. He paints in all colors the beauty of love for you and you as such. Beautiful words flow from him like a river. Ah, these women who “love with their ears!”... He casts languid glances at you, he talks about love, promises a lot, and constantly gets into your soul. He subtly understands the slightest movements of the human soul, feels you perfectly and pretends that he is “on board” with you. He is an excellent manipulator, owns psychological methods impact. He knows your motives and needs, tells you everything you want and promises you a lot. And soon you realize that he has gotten so deeply into your soul that you can’t get him off. He got you hooked on beautiful words like a drug. He has the habit of subtly asking how much you love him, how much you need him. And you say - yes, I love you! This is exactly what he wanted. But... it soon becomes clear that he cannot offer you anything but words. And he doesn’t think it’s necessary. He is weak and helpless, does not keep his promises, and many do not even remember. He doesn't know how to act. All his energy is spent on beautiful words. As a rule, he has an inferiority complex, and through intimate conversations he makes women fall in love with him. For self-affirmation.

8. Selfish.

This is a man who loves only himself. He is simply not capable of loving anyone else. Especially if we are talking about a person who pays great attention to his appearance. Do you think it's nice to deal with such an elegant, handsome macho? However... this is only an appearance. The more carefully he chooses his clothes, shoes, perfume, hairstyle, the more he looks in the mirror and laments about the extra pounds he has gained, the more advanced the situation is - in front of you is a narcissistic narcissist. He really takes good care of himself, but... only of himself. It is simply not enough for others.

9. Workaholic.

A man whose interests are limited solely to his career will never be able to make a woman happy. He disappears at work for days, and he doesn’t care about anything except her. In this pair, the man-work third is the odd one out. Probably, such a person has a very undeveloped ability to feel, love, and care. He replaces care and love with money earned at work. And, if a woman tries to be indignant at his inattention, he will reproach her for not appreciating his efforts to provide her with a sweet life. He simply won't hear her.

10. Drug addict, alcoholic, gambler.

A man prone to harmful addictions can make any woman unhappy. And neither the most wonderful compatibility nor love can save you here. You can live with him, but... is it possible to live happily? And is it worth the pain?

11. Controller.

At first glance, such a man can amaze you with his strength and masculinity. He knows how to solve problems, he is active, strong, decisive. He is the master of life. As a rule, he occupies a high position and earns well. Behind him is like behind a stone wall. But at one fine moment you realize that the stone wall has turned into a cage. Because such a man limits you in everything and dictates all your actions for a long time to come. Controlling every step. He perceives you as a thing, his property.

12. Aggressor.

Is it worth explaining that if a man beats his woman every now and then, then relying on the well-known saying “He beats means he loves” is not the best way out. Moreover, he is not limited to beatings alone. And don’t skimp on insults and rudeness. If he is so aggressive that he easily raises his hand against you, it is stupid to believe that he can be changed and you will live like in a fairy tale. Even if he suddenly begins to promise that he will never repeat this again. If he raised his hand to you, try to put an end to this relationship as soon as possible.

13. Greedy.

This is a special type of man. He can have as much money as he wants, but this has little effect on the degree of his greed. He can explain this to you for any reasons he likes, and even assure you that he is not greedy, but you should keep in mind that people are prone to “excuses”, even if they themselves are not aware of the true motives of their behavior. A man who spares money on his woman is not a man. And tomorrow he will spare money for his child. So what then? Believe in miracles? He can spare money on everyone except himself. Or he might be greedy for himself too. It's not that important. Another thing is important - it cannot be fixed. A man by nature is a protector, a provider. And if your chosen one has greed instead of these qualities, everything is too neglected. Run away from him and don't regret anything!

14. Indifferent.

At first, he may seem so touchingly unhappy that he will touch your soul. You will want to pour out your tenderness on this unfortunate creature, warm him, caress him and finally make him happy with your love. After all, he has such sad eyes, he is so serious and reserved. He's probably so vulnerable and sensitive soul that he is afraid to show his feelings so as not to be hurt or offended. And you will take it and melt the ice, because your love is enough for two. Stop! First of all, pay attention to your self-esteem! Why should you love for two? There will be no happiness in such a relationship. Because there is no harmony and equality there. And it won't. Secondly, such stories usually end in the collapse of relationships, a lot of disappointments, illnesses and mental trauma. Because an insensitive, indifferent, cold person who does not know how to love will not melt from your love alone. He doesn't need it. Although there are exceptions - when a man, at first cautious and reserved, as the relationship develops and trust in you increases, he opens up and becomes loving and gentle with you. But this usually happens pretty quickly. And this is rare. If his coldness lasts for months, or even years, there is no point in expecting a miracle.

15. Alphonse.

This money-obsessed type can hardly be called a man. But he doesn't think so. He is used to selling himself, his attractiveness (and often he is really damn attractive!). He is well versed in the intricacies of female psychology, skillfully manipulates and seduces. He can be a good lover. And he knows how to “show off” so that you lose your head over him. Having previously learned all the features of your excellent material well-being. But... will he love you? He only loves your money. You need to be very careful with this one and stay away from it. So that it doesn’t turn out like in one humorous story, “A friend met such a handsome guy! Not a man, but a fairy tale!” He doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t work, ... and doesn’t intend to. He lives in her luxurious apartment, with everything ready And he responds to all the indignation - if you don’t like something, I can leave, they’ll quickly pick me up, handsome.”

16. Womanizer.

This is a man who, in principle, is incapable of love. Although he himself may not think so. But he calls anything love, just not love itself. He can sincerely admit that he is not monogamous. Hiding behind slogans from books that a man is a sower and all that jazz. So everything is in the nature of men, and not at all his fault. But he may not say this. It doesn't matter. If a man is walking, it is in vain to expect him to finally calm down and stop walking to the left. Even if he says that he loves only you and will no longer go to the left. However, if you are ready for this, continue to be with him. And even deceive yourself that you are happy and don’t go to doctors at all, don’t experience an inferiority complex, etc. etc. But is it worth it?

17. Bachelor.

This type is very similar to unavailable and independent. But he most often openly declares his bachelor principles. He does not accept the institution of marriage and cannot stand obligations. Taking responsibility for someone is simply stupid. For what? If you can live for yourself, your loved one, for your own pleasure. And he’s not going to offer anything but sex to his sexual needs with women (after all, he doesn’t owe anyone anything). And he will always find them. He does not know the beauty of close relationships, care and family comfort. He doesn't understand this. The word “we” does not exist for him, and even infuriates him. And the word “ours, common” is generally like a red rag for a bull. Among bachelors there can also be misogynists.

18. Gloomy philosopher.

This is a man full of abstruse ideas and reasoning. He will quote classics and philosophers, he is well-read, smart and looks down on this whole “imperfect world” with petty-bourgeois foundations. Often he leads an ascetic lifestyle and cannot earn anything (with loud slogans that money is so low and vulgar). May be overly involved in spiritual practices, Castaneda, yoga, etc. (which in itself is not at all bad, but not in the case of a gloomy philosopher). He ignores the physical, material world. May not take care of himself, be unkempt, unkempt. He has low sensory sensations. After all, he is a high-flying bird. He doesn’t care about generally accepted principles. He can also look down on marriage, cynically talking about “loving a woman like a wild flower - he saw, smelled, admired and moved on,” about open relationships. This is what "high relationships" are. Why should he burden himself with everyday life and serious relationships? After all, he is above this, all so spiritual, smart and advanced.

19. Loser, whiner.

This man is a typical loser. He cannot find a decent job, he always sits penniless in his pocket, or even on someone’s neck. At the same time, he may consider himself an unrecognized genius, whom no one appreciates or understands. As a rule, he blames others and circumstances for his failures. At work, they say, he is not appreciated, his salary is not increased, his bosses are all bad, his colleagues are envious. His friends don’t understand him and that’s why, by and large, he doesn’t have any friends. And women are completely insidious creatures. And he had never seen a single good girl. They're all bitches. Whining, criticizing everything and everyone and seeking pity is his typical behavior. And even if at first he says that you may be an exception, and not like all these bitches, then the likelihood that in his eyes you will soon join the same cohort of bitches is very high.

20. Infantile. Mama's boy.

This is the type of weak, dependent person. As a rule, he has an overbearing mother, or was raised by an overbearing grandmother. Often he is the only son of his parents (or of one mother, whose husband either abandoned her or never had one). And now he obeys his mother in everything, she completely controls him. If he manages to fly out from under her wing and starts a relationship with you, firstly, his mother will most likely not approve of his choice (why does she need competitors?), and he will listen to her, or he will behave with you just like with a powerful and strong mother. He won’t be able to take a step without you, he will be entirely under your influence. There is no need to look for support and support in such a man. And with his addiction, he will very soon begin to drive you crazy. Do you need an over-aged, infantile “son”, or is it still a man?

The list goes on. But the trends are clear. Of course, all these types are just conventions. And they, as a rule, are exaggerated, as in any typology. In addition, there are practically no pure types in nature. Usually several of these characteristics, developed to varying degrees, are combined in one person. Some of them are intersecting. All people are not perfect. And this or that trait may be present in a normal man who knows how to build good relationship. But the most important thing is to understand to what extent it is developed. And if some of these traits are strongly and seriously expressed in a man, then, of course, you can build a relationship with him if you really want to (but is it worth it?). Moreover, “love is evil.” But! Is this love? Love is harmony. Although many call it strong feelings, where there is a lot of suffering, or passion, or painful dependence. Anything but love. Remember that it is almost impossible to create a long and happy relationship with such a man. Although many of our women live by the principle “even if it’s bad, it’s mine.” Here you need to decide for yourself what you want - happy family and a loving, reliable man nearby, who not only makes you happy, but is also happy that you are nearby. Or suffering, complexes, tears and psychosomatic illnesses. And remember, no matter what a man is, he must take care not only of himself, but also of you and your children. How about yourself. But playing with one goal will not bring happiness.

The girl lives in civil marriage and what year awaits a marriage proposal. A married lady with children believes that her husband will stop drinking. A guy, a student, has been in love with a girl for several years, who has been in the friend zone for 2 years.

Everyone knows the feeling when you are painfully waiting for something.

There are a lot of options for what you can expect.

Waiting helps NOT to see obvious things

Here are a couple of examples.

The girl lives in a civil marriage and has been waiting for a marriage proposal for a year.

A married lady with children believes that her husband will stop drinking.

A guy, a student, has been in love with a girl for several years, who has been in the friend zone for 2 years.

The employee hopes that the boss will finally notice his efforts and increase his salary.

The mistress believes that the married man the man will leave from the family and will be with her.

His official wife believes that her husband will stop cheating and everything will be as before.

This same husband hopes that either his mistress will leave him, or his wife will not stand it and get divorced, or something will happen that will make him feel good.

There are many such examples in own life, and in the lives of the people around us.

You wait, you hope, you believe. You have arguments that someday you will get what you want from specific people.

These same people can throw up arguments and support your expectation. For example, promising that “just a little bit, just have a little more patience - and I will mature/change/do/stop.

Not today, not right now. After some time.

For example, in a week, a month or two, or six months, or whatever happens. The main thing is to believe and wait.”

And some people tell you straight out: I can’t promise anything. Or they avoid answering altogether. And after these words or being ignored, instead of drawing conclusions, for some reason you still hope for something.

What if he changes his mind? But in this case, you can only make claims against yourself.

Why do some people promise to “feed breakfast” but don’t deliver? Keeping the other in a state of limbo, a state of waiting?

I see several reasons for this.

For example, a person sincerely thinks that he is really ready to give what is expected of him. But for some reason he can’t do this right now.

He promises certain deadlines; when these deadlines come, new circumstances open up that again prevent the implementation of his plans.

And the man seems to have nothing to do with it. He wanted to, but it didn’t work out - external factors let him down. And so every time.

Personally, I believe that the unconscious can organize space according to your deepest needs.

A person who sincerely promises something, but does not do it, does not deceive another - he deceives himself first of all.

Inside, he may feel discomfort at the moment when he signs up for something, but does not pay attention to it, ignores himself.

This kind of internal conflict results, which is not fully realized - I don’t want to do this, but for your sake I will do it. Here the unconscious intervenes with various external factors, helping to prevent what a person actually does not want to do.

There's another reason– you expect something from me, which I don’t really or don’t want to give you at all.

I know this, I understand, but I’m afraid of ruining my relationship with you.

Or lose you altogether.

Therefore, it is easier for me to promise you something in the future so that you calm down now.

And then we'll see.

What if you forget about my promise?

Or something will change and it will no longer be relevant to you.

Such reasoning is typical for people who find it difficult to defend their position, boundaries, people who are codependent and are afraid of losing relationships because they will present themselves as they really are. With mine I want and I don’t want, I can and I can’t.

They know for sure that they will not do something for you, but they will actively promise it.

This is done in order to receive some resource from you. If in the previous example the person has poor personal boundaries and therefore promises lies, then in this case the opponent is pursuing personal goals and interests and using unfriendly methods for this.

What does the person feel, so to speak, on the other end of the line?

When was he either promised, or did he come up with something for himself and live in anticipation?

At first, he feels something like relief and joy when he hears from another, or he fantasized to himself that he will get what he wants so much. However, this joy does not last long.

As a rule, it gives way at first to mild, then increasingly severe anxiety. Usually they try to fight it somehow. Because this anxiety prevents you from believing and waiting. You have to constantly suppress it, spending a lot of strength and energy on it.

Relationships with those from whom something is expected also gradually deteriorate. They develop tension, mistrust, and a lot of hidden aggression, which manifests itself in small things.

The person waiting feels irritated, his self-esteem deteriorates, and his self-confidence drops.

Nevertheless, expectation organizes life in a certain way.

It helps NOT to see obvious things- your boyfriend doesn’t want to marry you, your husband is an alcoholic, and your whole life is determined by this, the girl doesn’t see you as a man - only a friend, the boss uses your resources, but is not going to increase your salary, the married lover is not going to leave his family, husband goes to the left, no one will change your life for you and nothing will change on its own.

Sometimes reality is difficult to accept.

See her as she is. Without embellishment, without illusions, without fantasies.

It's scary to admit what a hole you find yourself in.

That your partner, environment or situation is not what you want it to be.It hurts to realize that your desires may not be fulfilled by specific people, even if you really want it.

To admit all this means to give up faith, hope that you can get what is important to you in this place.

Then something needs to change. Look for another place, other people, or do something yourself.

Change is a step into the unknown, uncertainty. And you can sit in anticipation for a long time and not change anything. Just wait for the other to give you what is important. It’s like being in a warm swamp – although it’s not very pleasant, it’s quiet and stable. Living a deferred life in tomorrow, hoping that it will bring you happiness.

Finding yourself in expectations is very important. Yes, it's not always pleasant. But when you tell yourself – I’m waiting for something that doesn’t exist now and it’s not a fact that it will happen tomorrow – at this moment personal responsibility for yourself appears.

And you have a choice - to spend energy on expectations and hopes, or on changing that part of the situation that is under your control.

And then the girl says to her boyfriend - I no longer agree to live with you in an unregistered marriage.

The wife of an alcoholic stops fighting her husband's illness and begins to move on with her life.

A guy from the friend zone makes an attempt to win his beloved, and if that doesn’t work, he starts communicating with other women.

The subordinate gathers his courage and prepares for serious conversation with his superiors about a promotion and at the same time looking for another job if the issue is not resolved.

The mistress finds the strength to leave her married man in order to be able to build a family with someone else.

The wife does not waste energy on suffering for her husband, but switches her attention to herself, her desires and needs.

Her husband stops hoping for a miracle and goes to a psychologist in order to understand what he wants and how to organize it in life.

Of course, there are exceptions to any rule. There are stories in which someone waited for a long time and waited. Some people pay a high price for waiting, others not so much. Anything can happen. The choice of each of us is to wait a long time or a little longer, or to start changing our lives right now.published . If you have any questions about this topic, ask them to the experts and readers of our project .